INTRODUCTION
Growing up in the sixties, exotic pets were unheard of for the most part. Some children kept snakes or frogs until the parents could sneak the poor abused creature out of the house and return it to the wild from whence it came. Or they died. I myself had a praying mantis once. It thrived on a steady diet of crickets, grasshoppers and flies. Then one day I found it dead. Fortunately, it had laid an egg sack before it passed on to mantis heaven. Unknowingly, I continued to keep the small wire cage in the laundry room. Of course, the young hatched early and provided Mother with enough aerobic exercise that day to keep her from tanning my behind. Like so many others that have decided to keep an exotic pet, I never learned enough about it to properly care for it.
Today we have a bewildering variety of exotic pets to choose from. No longer are we confined to dogs and cats for companionship. There are an assortment of reptiles, arachnids, monkeys, hedgehogs, pot bellied pigs, miniature ponies and that’s not to mention the fish, both fresh and salt water varieties. And fortunately, we also have literature available that will help us give our pets of choice the proper care so that they may enjoy a long, healthy life.
One of the most exotic, least understood pets we can have is the Sasquatch, or North American Bigfoot, or as is it is known by some biologists, Gluteus Maximus Simiani, or Big Ass Monkey. Yet as I was browsing through the local Walmart pet department a while back, I noticed there was no book for the care of Sasquatch. Being a breeder of Sasquatch for the pet trade, I feel compelled to fill this niche. By doing so, I hope that those desiring the company of this wonderfully inquisitive and loving pet will receive many years of enjoyment.
CHAPTER I
A SUITABLE DOMICILE
It is our obligation to keep our pets content and safe. With that end in mind, it is necessary to first ensure that the home we introduce our huge, hairy hominid friend to will meet his requirements. Sasquatch are large, active pets and as such, need a great deal of space to live in. I don’t recommend this type of pet for an apartment dweller. I made that mistake with my very first acquisition, a large female. I was forced to leave with my beloved Bridget under less than ideal circumstances, forfeiting my security deposit, losing the lawsuit and just barely beating the various criminal charges lodged against me by the local police department. So make sure your home is spacious enough to accommodate your furry companion.
Beside enough room inside the home, Sasquatch will need a large yard in which to exercise. Several hundred acres should be sufficient. Also be sure to provide him or her with plenty of toys. Sasquatch love to play. I suggest tires from large earth moving equipment, oil drums filled with water, V-8 engine blocks or maybe even an entire Yugo or two. They do seem to enjoy tossing these playthings around. But be sure all fluids have been completely drained from the Yugo, as gasoline and oil can be harmful to your lawn.
I would not recommend fencing the yard. Putting up a concrete wall will be much more effective at keeping Sasquatch from getting loose. Although they are usually quite mild mannered, some of your neighbors may not recognize the playful growl Sasquatch make as they greet strangers and peer through windows out of curiosity. I found this out the hard way after reimbursing neighbors several thousand dollars for damaged flower beds and replacement underwear. It could have been worse though. Mrs. McCarty’s Medicare picked up the cost of her emergency heart surgery and the criminal charges were dropped after an “anonymous” donor supplied the local fire department with two new defibrillators.
You must also keep the living and play areas of your Sasquatch clean. It not only helps eliminate disease, it also decreases the often offensive odor of your Sasquatch. They don’t care about the odor themselves, but the neighbors will, as another costly civil suit taught me. Sasquatch will defecate daily, sometimes hourly, and this stool needs to be picked up as soon as possible. I would recommend a front end loader.
Sleeping arrangements for your Sasquatch should also be thought out before you bring your loving companion home. I do not recommend that they be allowed to share your bed, as you might do with a dog or cat, unless your bed is capable of handling 700 pounds of tossing and turning Sasquatch. And definitely avoid letting them get into this habit if you have a waterbed. I made that mistake once. My blond female, Greta, jumped into my waterbed with me once before I had her properly trained. The wave action threw me against the ceiling, breaking my arm and the resultant water damage to the living room below forced my homeowners insurance to cancel my policy. Poor Greta thought I was trying to give her a bath and got a wee bit hysterical, as Sasquatch do not like to bathe. But I never blamed her for the cracked ribs and having to eat my meals through a straw for the next eight weeks. It’s a small price to pay for all the joy she has given me over the years. After all, what’s a ruptured spleen?
So now that we have a suitable habitat for the new addition to your family, let’s talk about training our big friend.
CHAPTER II
YOU CAN TEACH AN OLD BIGFOOT NEW TRICKS
Sasquatch are intelligent, curious creatures and love to learn tricks. I once had a very large male who learned to play fetch with my neighbors Rottweilers. You can’t imagine the joy I received watching those beautiful 130 pound dogs sailing through the air. And I’m sure that the exercise Pluto had from this entertaining pastime was instrumental to his longevity. The exercise was beneficial to me also as I would fetch the dog and sneak it back into the neighbor’s yard before he awoke. I’m sure the Rotts received a good work out also as after a game of fetch they were too tired to move. In fact, most of them were even too tired to breathe. Unfortunately, that neighbor is now living in a cardboard box underneath the local expressway. Seems his foray into breeding and raising Rottweilers went bankrupt due to an unexplainably high mortality rate among his stock.
But before we teach our Sasquatch even the simplest tricks, we must teach them obedience. There are several simple commands you will want your Sasquatch to obey. They are: come, stay, sit, heel and the most important one of all, no.
COME
You will find that Sasquatch learn this command quite readily. Begin by calling your Sasquatch to you as you back slowly away from him, clapping your hands and speaking in a soft, steady voice. If he ignores you, and he may at first, try enticing him with a treat. I’ve found a venison haunch works well. The draw back to this is that your Sasquatch may learn to associate coming when you call with receiving a treat. If he does, I strongly recommend that you ALWAYS give him a treat when you call him. Sasquatch do not like to be fooled. I learned this the hard way also. But I am amazed at the amount of abuse the human spleen can take.
STAY
It is important that your Sasquatch learn this command. I often walk Theopholis, a medium sized black Sasquatch, to the corner store and have him wait for me outside. He will stay put for minutes on end as I make my purchases, which I try to make quickly. There always seems to be a line of customers waiting to get in. I’ve never seen a sign but this store obviously has a “one customer at a time” policy.
To teach this command, place your Sasquatch in position, hold your hand palm out in front of his face and give the Stay command in a firm voice. If he moves the first few times, don’t worry, he’ll help you back to your feet. At first, move just a step or two back. Gradually increase the distance you move away as he progresses.
SIT
The sit command is one of those that is easier taught using the animal’s own inclination to sit. Whenever you catch him or her in the act of squatting, say forcefully, sit. This command works best when the Sasquatch actually feels like sitting. At other times it is hit and miss. You can also force your Sasquatch to sit by giving the command to sit and hitting him behind the knees with a baseball bat. I had to use this force method on my female Oona. But it is not a method I recommend. It is rather cruel and painful. If you don’t believe me you’ve never had a Louisville Slugger removed from your nether region.
HEEL
This command is only useful if you walk your Sasquatch on a leash. Fasten the leash around the Sasquatch’s neck with a stout choker collar. A thick logging chain will work. As your Sasquatch walks down the street, run along side him, keeping his right side hip even with your left shoulder and pant “heel” as best you can. In no time, you will be strolling proudly down the street with you beloved Sasquatch. One bit of advice. Since Sasquatch walk a little faster than we do, it’s a good idea to wear safety goggles to keep the sparks from the chain out of your eyes. A Kevlar walking suit is also a good idea. Road rash is not pleasant.
NO
No is the most important command you will teach your hirsute companion. When you catch him doing something he shouldn’t, such as tying the mailman into a pretzel, shout “no” in a loud voice and slap him sharply on the nose. He will immediately stop whatever it is he is doing wrong. The key of course is to be able to outrun him. If you apply this technique diligently, it won’t be long and the slap on the nose will no longer be necessary. Just giving the no command will cause him to stop and charge. In time, you will be able to give the no command after you turn and begin running away. This is also a wonderful opportunity to bond with your mother in law. I had mine stand in the open while I gave the command from behind a tree. She excelled at the training regimen, finally reaching a point where she could almost make it over the wall before she was caught. Unfortunately she is unable to help me train my Sasquatch anymore. It seems her hips don’t heal as quickly s they used to.
By following these simple training regimens, you will receive much more enjoyment from your pet. Remember, you owe it to your Sasquatch to make him a well trained, obedient member of your household. A broken bone or two is a small price to pay.
CHAPTER III
A WELL FED BIGFOOT IS A HAPPY BIGFOOT
One of the good things about keeping a Sasquatch as a pet is the ease of feeding our famished friend. Sasquatch are omnivorous, which means that eat not only meat, but vegetables, fruit, nuts, grains, grasses, leaves, bark, all ethnic dishes, shoe leather, naugahyde, various small pets, small priceless artifacts and heirlooms, paper and on occasion, vinyl siding. In short, they will eat anything your children will. Your Sasquatch should thrive on the same diet you have, although he or she may require a tad more. A good rule of thumb is to multiply your portion by five then double that. If your Sasquatch appears to gain weight on the diet you provide him, simply cut back on his portions. You won’t have a problem of your Sasquatch losing weight. One way or another, he will eat. The only food he should not be fed are sweets. A Sasquatch on a sugar rush is difficult to control. Just like a child they will be bouncing off the walls. Dry wall can be very expensive.
You will also want to provide your buddy with his own dining area. Needless to say, Sasquatch table etiquette makes Helen Keller in the Miracle Worker look like Ms. Manners. Just as an aside, I once dressed my rather mild tempered female, Gigi, in a long flowing gown and veil and crashed a garden party at Martha Stewart’s house. Gigi’s poor table manners led to an explosion of shrieks, screams, howls and growls, a smashing of garden furniture and a massive bloodletting. Fortunately, Martha didn’t keep Gigi pinned for very long and I was able to sneak my poor Sasquatch out a back door. But she is still traumatized and won’t go near a Kmart store.
CHAPTER IV
THE PITTER PATTER OF BIGFEET
Now that you are the proud owner of your very own Sasquatch, you may want to purchase a mate for your love sick chum and try breeding them. Although the demand for Sasquatch as pets is low at the moment, I expect the demand to rise as the price of buying one drops from its current high of about $25,000 for a young one.
Not much is known about the courting rituals of Sasquatch. They are rather shy and prefer privacy when being intimate. Even I suffer from a lack of knowledge on this subject, although I have bred them successfully for many years. Well, for a couple of years. OK, actually, I’ve had one female experience a false pregnancy. But I will gladly share what knowledge I have.
Like human males, Sasquatch males are capable of breeding at any time. Indeed, at times they can be quite demanding. I once had an experience with Bubba…well, let’s just say that if your male shows an interest in breeding, find him a female…quickly!
Females are only capable of breeding when they are in estrous. When the female is ready, she will exhibit that readiness quite plainly. Again, extreme caution is advised if you think your female is close to her time. They have a vice like grip that can be quite painful. Also, one Michael Jackson in the world is enough, although I do get great joy from entertaining the patrons at the karaoke bar with the high part from Harry Chapin’s Taxi.
Female Sasquatch are excellent mothers, caring for their young with great love and affection. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to teach a young Sasquatch the no command until they’ve been weaned and separated from the mother. After all, it is much easier to rebuild your house than spend 8 months in a body cast.
CHAPTER V
AN APPLE A DAY
While Sasquatch are hearty animals, they are prone to the same diseases as any other hominid. But with a suitable habitat and wholesome nutrition, your Sasquatch soul mate should be around for many, many years. I will just give one vital piece of advice concerning Sasquatch health. Choose a veterinarian carefully.
You will need to find a veterinarian who is experienced with Sasquatch. A qualified vet will be able to answer any health related questions you may have. You will be able to tell whether or not your veterinarian is qualified on your first visit. As with any other animal they treat, the first thing your vet will want to do is take your Sasquatch’s temperature. If he approaches your companion with a rectal thermometer, find another vet. He obviously does not have experience treating these magnificent creatures and probably will not make it through the initial examination.
CONCLUSION
Keeping a Sasquatch as a pet can be very rewarding. You will find them to be very intelligent, extremely loving and each day will be an adventure. All you need is room in your heart to love, excellent insurance and an experienced trial lawyer.
I hope this Sasquatch primer helps you to find the enjoyment I have found from many years of making these marvelous creatures a part of my life. |
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