Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Chupacabra
Well, young man, it is not a small undertaking you have chosen here. And let me take this brief moment to congratulate you on your boldness. Many have considered what you are about to do, few have tried, but none have come back. It is not for lack of courage, no, but simply a failure to consider all that is necessary. For your sake, and for the happiness of my teenage chupacabra, I have assembled this list of eight rules that, if followed, will not only make for an enjoyable evening, but might even bring you back for a second date.
1. Be on time. I cannot stress the importance of this rule enough. You see, Chupie, as we call her, doesn't get asked out much, so when a date comes around, it is a very big deal for her. We had one young man ask her out, but then showed up 15 minutes late. When he did show up, Chupie was so excited that she bounded out of the house howling in delight. You can well imagine the effect this had on the young man and, sadly, we soiled himself on the spot. He never did come back for another date.
2. Bring some sort of gift. No, not roses. Something like beef jerky is best. Preferably a lot. Chupie is known to get the munchies, and having something handy tends to keep her from nibbling body parts. You might not think much of it, especially if you are including dinner in the date, but trust me on this one. More than one date has had to eat dinner while holding a bandage across a wrist, arm, or ear.
3. Avoid gory movies. I was once a teenager myself, and I fully understand the emotions and feelings associated with getting scared and then walking out safe and alive. However, Chupie's sense of reality is not quite the same as ours. One such movie date ended early when the theatre manager asked Chupie and her date to leave the movie because she could not control herself and continued to shout after each killing, "Drink the blood! Drink the blood! Don't waste it!" Ah, teenage exuberance.
4. I recommend against dancing. It is not that Chupie is a bad dancer -- she actually possesses great rhythmn -- but that dancing can quickly get out of hand. Oh, it's not just swinging from light fixtures, but more of the spines on her back that grow erect and then injure other patrons as she twirls and spins about. We do have a direct line to all the major hospitals in the area now, and several emergency room physicians are notified before each date Chupie has, but it really is best to avoid any unpleasantries.
5. Dinner dates are probably your best bet. Steak houses with generous portions or all-you-can-eat buffets should be high on your priority list. Do make sure the buffet has meat. Chupie's teeth aren't exactly made for chewing cabbage. If at all possible, ask for a private booth. Chupie can get a little messy with her meat, particularly since she prefers it rare. And do not expect to get more than a couple bites of your own steak, prime rib, or other meat. Chupie really does love flesh! The more, the better. A full Chupie is a controllable Chupie.
6. When out with Chupie, please focus on Chupie. As you can imagine, Chupie has a bit of a complex regarding her appearance. She knows that she isn't as beautiful as some Hollywood starlet, but it is hard for her to accept. Now, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that many young women dress, well, less than modest, but do your best not to stare at them. It does tend to send Chupie into a jealous fit. Our medical plan now does include one of the best plastic surgeons in Southern California, but our co-pay is still exceptionally high and we'd rather not require his services.
7. Be a gentleman. I know that many males like to add up their "conquests." It makes them feel like more of a man. You should not date Chupie with that intention. She is very sensitive about feeling like a "piece of meat." Not that dear Chupie would be unreceptive to such advances -- she is, after all, a teenager with hormones -- but again, in your best interests, I would advise against it. To put it gently, the act of procreation among those of her species can get rough and it's not unusual for one or both partners to be severely injured or even killed. She does have quite a grip, and those fingernails aren't Lee Press-On. I hesitate to tell you, but we did have one young man who got quite amorous with Chupie and was forced to hit the panic button (remind me to give you this before you take her out). The "jaws of life" did manage to rescue him in time, and now, after several months of therapy, he has almost regained the use of his left arm.
8. At the end of the date, do not run off. This tends to activate Chupie's pursuit reflexes and she will bound after you with extraordinary speed and agility. You won't make it to your car. Again, the panic button came in handy here on a couple of occasions. My recommendation is to walk Chupie to the door, keeping at least one of her hands held firmly and away from any of your vital body parts and the other hand busy with the beef jerky or other food (remember Rule #2). Thank her for the date, ring the doorbell, and allow me to usher her in. At that time you can also return the panic button to me.
Young man, I applaud your bravery and the overactive hormones that have driven you to ask my darling Chupie out on a date. If you follow these rules, I trust that not only will you have a passably enjoyable date, but you might even come back for a second. |
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