Cisco?s Online Journal. Day 1. At the headwaters of the Solimoes River, Brazil:
I?m starting out on this expedition pretty optimistically. Seeker promised it would be better than last time. And
hey, I gotta get that prize he promised me, too. I?ll post to bring you up to date. Until then,
Cisco
Day 12.
The humidity is killing me. Why did I let Seeker talk me into doing this again? And whose stupid idea was it to
clone everybody back to life, anyway. God, I must be nuts!
The mosquitoes are flying up my nose and in my mouth, and I've been bitten by so many bugs I look like somebody
whacked me on the head with a ball-peen hammer. Yesterday I stepped on a snake, which almost bit me. Nearly peed my
pants. Prof100 said it was an unknown species of poisonous viper and followed it out into the jungle, saying he
wanted to add it to his collection. We haven't seen him since. But at least we know there are new species out here.
Gerry never seems to get bitten by the bugs, probably because they can't stand the smoke from those cheap cigars
he's always smoking. I think that disgusting odor is from his cigars, anyway. At least he hasn't started grinning at
me like last time, but he still makes me nervous, anyway.
We've set up camp for the night, pulling the canoes up on shore and hiding them in the underbrush so nobody will
steal them. Hah! As if there were anybody out here to steal anything. I hope we don't get lost. McCall said not to
worry, though, because no matter where he is he can always find a bar. He walked off into the jungle with a bottle
of rum and a six-pack of beer (he brought 75 bottles of rum and 14 cases of beer), saying he was going to listen for
owls. Gerry is sitting by the fire, smoking those horrible cigars of his and drinking some of McCall's beer. I can
hear the thud as mosquitoes fall to the ground after flying through his cigar smoke. Mooman is playing Game boy and
eating Snickers bars, and talking about rodents. Pathfinder is here, reading 14 books at once by the light of the
fire, on topics ranging from dogs to quantum physics to the single malt whiskies of Scotland to etc. Z.Z. is
standing on a sandbar at the edge of the river, staring at the sky, looking for UFO's. Nobody but me seems to be
thinking about the task at hand, which is finding this Mapinguari thing. I feel like I'm in an outdoor lunatic
asylum. And, what's worse, other cryptozoology members are supposed to be joining us shortly, assuming they can find
the place. This expedition is going to be insane. I can feel it in my bones.
Cisco
Day 14
We spent most of yesterday setting up base camp. McCall promptly went to work putting together a wet bar (Where the
Hell did he come up with an icemaker! What does he plug it into!) and lounge (as if it wasn't weird enough there is
a disco ball! Where the Hell does one get a disco ball in the Amazon!).
The Clones! They are supposed to be exact copies of the originals?They aren?t... McCall can still find a bar, and
Gerry is still hirsute and smoke cigars like he?s breathing, but each is just a little odd, (well, not saying much
since the originals were pretty odd to start off with) there is something definitely queer about each of them. The
most different is seeker. The original was chatty, inquisitive, and very open. Seeker 2 is diametrically opposed.
Sullen, withdrawn he gets more so the deeper we penetrate the forest. He is like another person altogether. He?s
beginning to worry me. The little snippets you can hear under his breathe are crazy as they are scary. I caught him
saying, ?The eyelids are tender? as he galumphed off into the deep forest.
I?m frightened. I've taken to sleeping with my hand around the handle of my machete.
Day 15, Same place. The madness continues.
The fricken bugs are driving me mad! McCall and Gerry invented a new game consisting of drinking heavily and going
outside the bug screens to be bitten by the insects. They count the bugs that drop off and the high man wins! I
stopped paying attention after 666...
Speaking of bugs, seeker 2 came back with what I think are Venezuelan Bird Eating spiders. Seven of them! They're
HUGE. Their leg span is the size of a hubcap! If that's not strange enough he speaks to them in some odd chattering
tongue. They all line up like a squad of Marines their fore limbs up at attention. He chatters something
unintelligible and they scurry off into the woods. Creepy....
Gerry named them after the seven dwarves. When we're relaxing listening to the Bee Gees or the Andrea True
Connection the "dwarves" perch up on the bar and seem to sway to the music. I must be mad. McCall wants me to play
poker with them. I scream, "Play Poker with Spiders! What are you crazy?! What do you use as chips?"
McCall replied with that calm, even toned madman voice, "bugs silly. If you're lucky you can win a freshly killed
monkey or macaw off Dopey. He's pretty easy to bluff!"
Gerry is doing the Tarantella with Doc to Donna Summer's "Hotstuff"
Seeker is sulking in the corner with a monkey skull...creepy, creepy, creepy
I'm going Mad I tell you! MAD!!!!
Cisco
Day 18 20:08
Still creeped out here. The Seeker 2 has taken to keeping the giant bird eating dwarves in his sleeping bag with him
at night. I think I overheard him telling them bedtime stories a few minutes ago. At least I think that is what he
was telling them. Somehow, I think in his newer, deeper and darker cloned version he might just be telling them to
exact spidery revenge for Tibet. WHY did I let him talk me into this again?!
Gerry disappeared a couple of hours ago and hasn't returned. Said something about finding his own set of dwarves,
and that smile is back, so I will be sleeping with my flashlight on...
Day 19 03:25
Prof00 managed to make a return. I was shocked that he was still alive, though he didn't seem to be. Yammered on
about venom toxicity and yield in this new viper that he chased down a few days ago. Apparently there are no massive
side effects from the bites he sustained either, though he is pretty twitchy and is continually waxing non-
sensical...so I guess no side effects after all. Still can't figure out how he managed to find us though...
Day 20 09:27
Gerry still hasn't returned and I fear for his safety. Prof said that there were some strange noises a ways outside
of camp and a noxious odor that reminded him of cheap cigars and the musk of a Nerodia Sipedon, whatever that means,
along with some strange rumbling noises. Hopefully, Gerry will make it back okay and this thing won't get him, that
whole cloning thing was such a pain I'd hate to have to do it again...
McCall is still McCall. Though now we're down to 1 case of beer and 2 bottles of scotch, and his sanity is leaving
him. Plus, Prof is continually trying to steal said scotch and beer, so McCall is constantly on edge and suffering
from paranoia.
Seeker is still playing with his spiders, but I noticed today that there were a few more than the original seven
dwarves, and he seems to be looking SKINNIER. He's been spending time further away on hikes and at camp.
WHY, oh WHY?! Why couldn't I have learned my lesson? If Seeker 2 survives this one, we just might be needing a Seeker
3. And to think, the rest of the cryptozoology bunch will be here in just a couple more days...
Cisco's Diary, Headwaters of the Solimoes
Day 21, 17:30
He's back! Gerry returned yesterday evening. I asked him where he had been and he said that he had gone to search
for some matches, that he had brought nothing to light his cigars with. But then, if he had no way to light his
cigars, what was that stench? And still, those strange rumbling noises that seem to follow Gerry can still be heard.
I fear there may be trouble between Gerry and McCall over Pathfinder. Last night, McCall bathed in the river and
dressed to the nines in a pair of green plaid walking shorts, a turquoise Nehru jacket and hiking boots. Gerry also
dressed for action in an orange Nike tank top and sequined thong. Both approached Pathfinder. I suspected them to
come to blows but just as I got ready to step between them, Gerry turned and screamed "McCall, the spiders are
taking the Guinness!"
Gerry, who was now alone with Pathfinder, smiling that insane smile of his, that horrid, hideous smile, asked
Pathfinder what her sign was. If I've learned nothing else on this trip, I've learned that a thong is no protection
against a Black and Decker hammer drill. She must have had it hidden behind the stack of books she's been reading.
The scary part is that she NEVER LOOKED UP FROM HER BOOK!
18:17
Just broke up fisticuffs between Seeker and McCall. The Guinness is safe but Seeker is mourning the loss of his
favorite spider, the one he called Mr. Wiggleskivvies. I don't want to know.
18:34
I've had to send Prof to his tent. Ms. Valerie ReVander has just come into camp and the Prof was frightening her by
screaming "Do you want to see my snake!?" I really wish he wouldn't keep it in his pocket.
All is quite for now. Pathfinder has finished Stephen Hawkings, an ancient religious text in the original Sanskrit
and Green Eggs and Ham. McCall has retired for the night I think. How he can sleep on all those empty beer cans in
his tent is beyond me. Seeker has taken his army of spiders on maneuvers and Prof is in his tent muttering "Bite my
asp."
I may not survive this expedition. We've found no evidence of a Mapinguari, not a print, not a hair. I believe Gerry
did find a massive pile of scat as his footprints are next to it but he swears he knows it's not from our elusive
cryptids friend. He's so positive in his assertion that I won't second guess him. Oh no, I must go now. Pathfinder
has just run out of books and is going through everyone's luggage to read the clothing labels.
Cisco
Day 21 18:45
There is intense trouble brewing between McCall, Prof, and Gerry. We are now down to only one Guinness and no more
scotch. I don't know what to do. Gerry will likely be the first man out after his...surgery by Pathfinder, he just
ain't right, not that he ever was. Still carrying that oh so horrid, frightening, abominable grin that sends chills
down my spine.
Pathfinder has already finished reading all of the clothing labels and has wandered off into the woods trying to
read the veins off of plant leaves. I don't know when she will be back, if ever.
I am thinking of asking Seeker to have his eight legged minions go retrieve her, but I fear she may be safer lost in
the wilderness than back here at camp.
I fear for my life. I'm so scared right now. No sleep tonight, no sign of a Mapinguari, nothing but looming dread.
Damn that Seeker.
Day 22, 10:34 P.M. (I think. this computer clock is never right anymore!)
Mooman has been missing for a couple of hours. He said something about going to the tree teepee and growing us some
Chicago Bulls. I think he's gone completely insane, while I on the other hand have some sanity left (SOME meaning
basically none).
McCall said he was bored, so he rummaged in my backpack until he found my old writing journal from last trip. He's
reading it out loud at the moment. Gerry went to the forest to find some of those old Baby Ruths, but he could only
find melted ones. Seeker 2 has been trapped in a large net we set up to capture food in. He yelled for us to release
him, but we decided to ignore it. Pathfinder is still reading the same books...for the 600th time. Prof00 is lying
down in a puddle of something, he's still pondering what.
But, during this time I am glad for one single, solitary thing. It is not 67 degrees below zero here. But, over in
Tibet, we at least had Flash_T. to entertain us with stories of flying over the Afghan Triangle (Bermuda Triangle
near Afghanistan).
Day 23...or is it 13? Or 666, or is it an eternity?!!
Mooman has come back...with his sugar coated sugar dresses. He tossed one to each of us, and said "Dig out!". Gerry
refuses to eat his...he says it makes him look "pretty" when he puts it on. He refuses to take it off, though there
are Spider monkeys and tree porcupines all over it. McCall tried to put rum on his, only to find it dissolved it.
I've figured out that we're going to torture Seeker until he turns 56...even if we get out by then.
Last note, HELP!!! WHO EVER IS IN EARSHOT OF MY VOICE, HELP!!!!!
Cisco
Day 24, 06:00
Pathfinder is sitting in a circle of books that she has arranged to look like a house of cards. She is mumbling
something about string theory, evolution, men in kilts, and beer with a Scotch chaser. I hope she doesn't find out
that McCall drank the last of it. ZZ is still standing on the sandbar watching for a UFO. How does she do that
without blinking?
08:00
We released Seeker 2 and he called his squad of spiders. He orders them about in that strange language and they
started doing war maneuvers. It looks like they are going to attempt to storm Pathfinders circle of books. I know
Seeker 2 is a little odd but he's definitely in for it with this one. I swear I never saw Pathfinder move this time
either. However, there are spider corpses with drill marks all over. There's not a spider left. He starts to
interrogate Pathfinder but she just picks up a government pamphlet from her stash and flings it at him. I caught a
look at the title - "The Truth About How We Killed JFK". That should keep him quiet for a while. Pathfinder is
mumbling about too many legs, how hot and humid it is, too many bugs, and how she needs a nice, cold one.
10:23
The fat's in the fire now, Pathfinder has found out that there is no more beer and has a crazed look on her face.
She has gone into her tent. McCall and Prof have run into the jungle with Gerry trying to keep up. He keeps tripping
over his sugar dress. Do I dare stay in camp? I stand undecided. I don't know if she is capable of turning into one
of those psycho women with extreme PMS or if she is one of those cry baby types. Too late now. I didn't even have
time for the "digression is the better part of valor" thing, you know like running for the jungle behind the other
brave sorts. Oh, no. I should have run. She is dressed for the kill in a pair of very short cut-off overalls with a
tank top and work boots. But what really catches my eye is the Black and Decker strapped to her hip and the
Milwaukee Sawz-All strapped to the other hip. She has a stud finder in one hand and the most evil grin on her face.
As she disappears into the forest I hear something that sounds like "I'm going shopping".
13:49
ZZ is pointing at something in the sky and singing "Twinkle, twinkle little star". I see nothing. She still has not
blinked. The camp is real quiet. McCall, Gerry, and Prof have not returned. I don't know if they are still alive or
Pathfinder got them. Mooman has gone back into the jungle "to check on the Chicago Bulls", whatever that means.
18:54
Pathfinder is back. She floated up on a raft she made out of tree trunks and vines. On the raft was her big Ram Van
of Guinness, chips, pretzels and Avon Skin So Soft. What is amazing is she held up a Guinness and popped the tab and
McCall, Gerry, and Prof came running into camp. I don't know what smells worse, Gerry's cigars (at least I hope that
is what the smell is) or the Skin So Soft that Pathfinder dowsed the whole camp in. At least it's keeping the bugs
away, even if the place does smell like French house of ill repute. She has gone back to her house of books with a
book on Worm Hole Theory, the complete works of Carl Sagan, and The Little Engine That Could.
22:37
Finbar has just stumbled out of the jungle. He tells us in an extremely high helium sounding voice that they were
attacked by pygmy head hunters but he managed to escape. I haven't the heart to tell him that he didn't quite make
it. The ferret sure does look funny with a head the size of a golf ball.
Cisco - I can't believe I let them talk me into this, HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPP
Day 25:
At last! We've finally found some evidence of Mapinguari! McCall stumbled on some weird tracks somewhere in the
jungle while he was picking up 25 more bottles of rum. I have no idea how he managed to find the stuff, but at least
he seems calm again now that he's replenished his supply of booze, although he WAS complaining about having to pay
bar prices for the rum. He quit complaining, though, as soon as Pathfinder handed him a can of Guinness.
We all went to look at the tracks. Gerry and Pathfinder seemed certain that they are Mapinguari tracks and were all
set to go looking for the beast, but McCall said he didn't think they were Mapinguari tracks at all. Gerry,
Pathfinder and McCall argued about this for well over an hour, while the rest of us stood around, twiddling our
thumbs and rolling our eyes. Finally McCall said, "What IS a Mapinguari, anyway?" after polishing off a bottle of
rum and four cans of Guinness.
Gerry looked at McCall and said, real slowly, "McCall, a Mapinguari is some kind of giant sloth."
McCall answered, "Really! Then these ARE Mapinguari tracks. I thought a Mapinguari was some kind of monkey."
Gerry and Pathfinder both began to pelt McCall with full cans of Guinness, while the rest of us shouldered our packs
and prepared to head out into the jungle, hot on the trail of the elusive Mapinguari.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Day 25 (Like I care anymore).
Gerry is sulking right now. His sugar dress was ripped off by a deranged howler monkey with a hook for an eye, a peg
leg for an arm, and an eye patch for a foot. It didn't even sound like a howler monkey. It went "Argh...Eek eek!",
and whipped Z.Z. with his eye patch leg. Z.Z., of course, didn't feel it, as she was now singing "Row row row your
boat, underneath the stream". McCall is the polar opposite of sober, as he drank a 4th of the Ram Van full of
Guinness already. He goes on how "I....I....I...I...fell on a log when I was one.", repeating it over and over to
the power of 5,345. Pathfinder is dowsing herself with the Skin So Soft every time I look at her (Once a minute), so
I guess she's enjoying herself now.
Mooman came back with "Chicago Bulls", which ended up being peccaries. We're putting them on the barbi' tonight! He
also came back with a head regrowth formula for Finbar. When Finbar it on, his head grew to the size of a scanner,
so Mooman said "Knew it's happen" and gave Finbar a one use only headshrinker, imported from the Tootsie tribe in
Africa. Mooman gave Seeker 2 a CD...which ended up turning into a holographic picture of one of Seeker 2's spiders.
Seeker 2 hasn't spoken since.
I will get off of my seat by tomorrow and go to the edge of our campsite that no one dared to enter (Well, Gerry
dared McCall to go in, but he refused even after the ultra double dog dare.). I suspect that there will be many
insects over there, but I've prepared...I'll tell how later.
I MUST GET OUT!!!!
Cisco
Day 25 (Still)
I went over to the forbidden area (As the rest call it), to find....nothing. How frustrating. When I get into the
jungle to search for that thing, I'm not listening to anybody saying "I need to go back to camp and get a Guinness"
THE DAY HAS BEEN TOO LONG!!!
Cisco
Day 26 01:28
After setting up my tent in the "forbidden area," I have discovered the reason why no one else would go in, even the
intrepid McCall. After hearing some rustling and rumbling, I fumbled for my flashlight only to find nothing more but
a fresh Baby Ruth and the fading odor of cheap cigars. Something is rotten in the state of Venezuela.
03:49
Was awoken yet again, but this time by the sound of power tools in the distance. Pathfinder has gone off again and I
can only assume it was her in the distance. It looks like while she's been out, the remaining spidery minions
(apparently she didn't get them all) of Seeker 2 have taken up residence, thankfully no longer in his tent. As if
they weren't disturbing enough on their own, the fact that they slept in his sleeping bag was beyond insanity.
09:57
SEEKER IS DEAD...AGAIN!!! He didn't awake with the rest of us today, so I had Fin go and check on him (Fin is small
and agile, so had the best chance of avoiding a spider attack had Seeker set one up for me, I mean us). Fin only ran
back out with a skeletonized ankle muttering something about tasty wabbitses.
There was nothing left but a shriveled bag of skin and bones. I and the others think that his militant spider group
turned on him. Who knows how long it will be before they turn on the rest of us. So far though this morning, they
have remained inside Pathfinder's book fort, but I can still hear that chattering language that goes suspiciously
quiet when I approach too closely.
Pathfinder has yet to return, but every now and then I hear the whirring of a Black and Decker in the distance.
Mayhaps she is building us a jet, as she did take a book on Da Vinci, aerodynamics, and the lyrics to Peter
Shilling's "Ground control to Major Tom."
Still no real evidence for the Mapinguari aside from the tracks discovered and disputed yesterday. However, as we
were unable to photograph them, they have now been destroyed and we cannot photograph them at all. However, I have
my suspicions as I found a pit trap dug into one print and a snake hook lying in the other. Also, Prof00 has gone
missing again. Very suspicious indeed.
McCall is nowhere to be found, but he mentioned late last night sleeping in the alcohol filled "heaven" that is
Pathfinder's van. Hopefully the drilling sounds I hear are not his punishment.
Day 27 13:31
Prof returned a few minutes ago. He said he knew nothing of the destroyed Mapinguari prints, but thanked me for
finding his snake hook. He also said that Megaraptor had arrived the evening of his disappearance into the jungle.
He said that he, "took my special friend for an evening constitutional to discuss the merits of the Creation vs.
Evolution debate and that when I went to take a whazzer behind a tree I turned back around to find Megaraptor
missing." Perplexed, I asked if he heard any struggle, and Prof very calmly and decisively said, "I did not feed
Megaraptor to a giant Anaconda near the riverside because we were disagreeing about his loony Creationist theories,
and if we just so happen to come across one with a Megaraptor shaped bulge a couple of miles upriver, pay no
attention to the man behind the curtain!" He then quickly ran back to his tent singing "We represent the Lollipop
guild."
Poor Ms. Valerie ReVander has been forced to remain in her tent. I can't blame her too much. I think the Prof
frightened her with his snake comments from a few days ago, though he tried making up...wait, was it yesterday when
that happened, or last week...time is moving so slow here in this hell hole. If Seeker wasn't already dead again,
I'd kill him.
Pathfinder and McCall have still not returned. Gerry is nowhere to be seen in camp, though I am sure that he is
still close by based on the remains of Baby Ruths found by my tent alongside fresh ones, and that lingering odor of
cigars.
ZZ is still standing on that sandbar. She's now humming "smoke on the water" and has a crazed look in her eye.
Oh no, the spiders are moving out of book fort, have to go. Hopefully I will survive to make another entry.
Cisco
Day 28
I can't explain the joy I feel at this moment. Pathfinder has returned. It seems she built a laptop computer out of
drift wood, vines and testicle hair she claims came from a giant, ill smelling, slow moving beast. I fear for
Gerry's jewels but the important thing is we now have contact with the outside world.
I need to get into that laptop and steal some of the hair for analysis. I mentioned it when Pathfinder first brought
it into camp but she gave me a look that said, in no uncertain terms that to touch her computer was to die,
shrieking in a high falsetto voice. It was not only quite chilling but embarrassing. I haven't wet myself in years.
Well, days really but it's still been a while.
ZZ is still standing where she has been for the last two weeks, now singing Itsy, Bitsy Spider. It seems to have a
calming effect on Seekers evil minions. It also has Gerry sitting in the sand at her feet playing with his fingers.
At least I think it's...yes, definitely his fingers. He's spider walking them back and forth.
Prof and McCall are sitting with Pathfinder, muttering something about finding Gerry a new sugar dress on eBay. They
seem to be disagreeing on what color it should be.
I find myself strangely attracted to Pathfinder. I don't know if it's the short shorts, the hard hat or the way the
Skin So Soft glistens on her left eyebrow. But I also fear her. I'll have to deal with these feelings later.
Valerie ReVander has gone in search of the Mapinguari, claiming she knows it's in a glass case behind a local bar.
She also is an intriguing woman, dressed in black. A very erotic look. But she seems to have a phobia when it comes
to snakes and won't come within 20 feet of the Prof, who has captured one of Mooman's sneaker laces and proclaimed
it a new species.
Seeker is still dead and beginning to smell as bad as Gerry's cigars. Wait, Gerry ran out of cigars three days ago.
What IS that stench?
Hello? What's this? Ms. ReVander is returning. And she has a...could it be? Yes! Yes, it is! She's found it, she's
found it! Thank God, she's found it! At last, at last, we have toilet paper! I must go now, quickly!
Cisco
Day 29, haven't moved over 5 feet.
We killed Seekers spiders today. While the spiders were sucking on some monkeys, we got together and made weapons. I
made a dagger out of pure rock, McCall made a bomb with one of his Guinness cans. Pathfinder used her Black and
Decker drill. It wasn't long before we had spider guts all over our makeshift weapons.
Prof00 has finally let go of Mooman's shoe laces. But since Mooman kicked Prof00 into the forest, we haven't seen
him since. Z.Z. is now singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time", because she ran out of children's nursery songs.
Pathfinder hasn't stopped cleaning her drill after the spider incident. Ms. ReVander has finally gone insane. She's
swinging on a tree, saying she's a baboon at heart. I didn't know she had a heart transplant. Mooman is making
batteries for his Gameboy out of our Toilet paper (He's used most of it...damn him), nails, and electron particles he
"catches" in air, so to speak.
I now know that I'VE GOT TO ESCAPE!!
Cisco
Day 29, 13:15
Pathfinder has collected all the empty Scotch bottles and disappeared into the jungle with them. I heard her talking
to herself about "recipes" and "grandma's special lemonade", whatever that means. She has left the laptop in her
tent so I am going to sneak in and get some samples of the hair she used.
There is a terrible storm moving in off the water. The clouds are extremely low and dark. The wind is picking up and
you can see the lightening striking the water as thunder rumbles in the background. I would also swear I hear power
tools in the sound of the thunder. No looking for the Mapinguari today. At least I will have a chance to analyze the
hair I obtained with my Acme Chemistry set that is approved for children over the age of 13.
14:52
The storm is overhead. There are strange colored lights in the clouds. I can just make out ZZ singing the notes to
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind". That's all I need, little grey men running around with all the lunatics I
already have here running loose. The last I saw Ms. ReVander, she was swinging off into the jungle with a maricoxi.
This has revived my belief that a Mapinguari is out there. Mooman is playing with his shoe strings and chanting
"mine...mine...mine". He short circuited his Game Boy in the rain and I think he took part of the charge from the
lightening strike. McCall is hanging strings of empty Guinness cans in the trees as "wind chimes" for Pathfinder.
The metallic clanking is getting on my nerves, the ONE that I have left. I don't know where Gerry is. The last I saw
him the crazed look in his eyes had intensified and he was muttering about making a kilt, but didn't know what color
of plaid to make it. Prof just came out of the forest with an emerald tree boa wrapped around his waist and a huge
green iguana sitting on his shoulder. He's calling them his "Pretties". Watched too much ROTK I think.
17:36
The storm has passed and camp is a wreck. McCall is mourning the loss of the disco ball, but at least the icemaker
was spared. I'M starting to worry now as the Ram Van of Guinness is almost gone. That is all that was keeping McCall
sedated and God help us if Pathfinder finds out there is none. She may not just "go shopping". ZZ is no longer on
the sandbar, having disappeared during the storm. There is a heavenly aroma coming from somewhere. I need to track
it down but first the results of the test should be done. I hope it is not Gerry's hair. No one deserves to be Black
and Deckered like that.
18:00
I"M SO EXCIED!!! The hair is not Gerry's. It's from a totally unknown mammal. We are on the right trail after all.
Maybe this trip will pay off after all.
18:12
I am extremely fearful of my life now. I don't know if it's safe to leave my tent or not. The wonderful aroma is
coming from an Australian type barbi' the Pathfinder built during the storm. Mooman is turning a spit and it appears
that a little grey alien is roasting on it. Gerry, McCall, Prof (and his two Pretties), and Finbar are drooling over
it. The most frightening thing, however, is Pathfinder. She has done her hair up, put on makeup, and pearls. She is
wearing a flower print dress that clings to her upper body then flares out the waist with a little white frilly
apron. In one hand is a plate of homemade cookies and in the other a pitcher of what looks like lemonade. Her Black
and Decker is no where in sight. Oh my God, it can't be, it IS. She looks like June Cleaver.
18:25
I hear a rustling coming from Seeker 2's tent. I peak out of the flap and see Seeker 2 emerging, arms stretched in
front. His dried vocal cords rasping out what sounds like "More...more lemonade". He appears to have fleshed out
some. What has she done?
Cisco - who hopes to be able to make another entry of the eve of his great discovery
Day 30 the Lunatics have control of the Asylum, and the shadow lords return.
Pathfinder aka June Cleaver fessed up. She reanimated Seeker. Using a combination of fresh squeezed lemonade, and
ancient druidical magicks she saw the need for a flesh golem to do her bidding. The night before she was over heard
chanting, ?Al nath ra, oose for beth thos, doc ur vend daey? over and over again around the husk that was seeker.
The seeker that emerged this morning was quite the surprise. He?s incredibly buff. Looking like a cross between
Fabio and Jason Scott Lee from that bad Bruce Lee biography, ?Dragon?. He does Pathfinder?s bidding like an
automaton. She and the other women giggled like school girls as they played dress up with him. Seeker strode forth
sinuously, barely covering his ?Franks and beans,? in nothing but a Campbell tartan loincloth.
Pathfinder ran a perfectly manicured nail down a bulging muscled arm and purred something barely audible in raven
tress covered ear. In a flash he went from standing muscled arms akimbo to full sprint and deep into the woods.
Pathfinder an eyebrow raised conspiratorially in appreciation, clicked her tongue in a demure June Cleaver,
demonstrating 1950?s Americana understated sensuality fashion.
Her gaze caught the eyes of the other females who stared with wanton amazement, ?tastes like the white meat of
chicken!? she quipped with a sly grin.
McCall was ready to off himself (do to lack of liquid libation) when Gerry saved him. In one of his foraging raids,
Gerry returned with mushrooms and other psychogenic plants for a round of recreational herbology. In an instant
McCall was loading the hookah (where?d he keep that!) with ice from the icemaker and we all sat around enjoying a
smoke.
Big Mistake.
By night fall I had passed out. I stirred to the sound of McCall?s and Gerry?s voices. The scene I spied was beyond
insanity.
McCall was dressed like Yoda, holding a beer stein hectoring Mooman and ProfOO about double parking their rides.
Mooman was a Shopping cart with enormous crustacean legs and a Recaro racing seat, Prof00 was astride a gigantic
Snake Lizard that is to say it had the head and forelimbs of a enormous Monitor lizard, but the back end was 40 or
so feet of emerald green snake. He was wearing a Cowboy outfit and carried a Red Rider BB gun.
Gerry was in Armani complete with top hat except for Speedo, fishnets, and red stiletto heels. He sat on top of a
upright Piano legs crossed singing ?falling in love again?, while ZZ played, sounding remarkably like Marlene
Dietrich.
The muscular Seeker Golem carried the tiny Pathfinder one armed with no effort, as he swept in to get a better seat
to watch Gerry?s lounge act.
Valerie stood behind the bar in a Dallas cowboys jersey mixing drinks, for a Bigfoot and something that looked like
it came from Maurice Sendak?s, ?Where the Wild Things Are?. In fact there are a number of odd looking beasties at
the bar and drinking. Could that be a Kongamoto with an Absolute and Tonic? A Mongolian Death Worm drinking Mezcal?
(Is he gonna eat the worm?), Nessie slithers up for a spot of Cardhu or Glen Morangie...
Finbar has turned into a Giant Mustelid and is making time with a gorgeous woman who looks vaguely like Gabrielle
Reece.
Overcome by the Surrealness of the situation I passed out
Comfortably numb,
Cisco
Day 31
Mooman and Prof00 are back to normal...or, what normal they can be. Prof00 won't stop singing "Happy Happy Joy Joy",
and Mooman won't stop screaming "HYENAS!!".
Not much else happening...'cept we found the howler monkey with the pirate accessories dead with a giant claw slash
on it. This was a huge wound made by huge claws. We're guessing it was that giant sloth-ish creature we're looking
for (I really don't like saying its name anymore).
In a fetal position, Cisco
Day 32, 07:00
Everyone has finally recovered from the herbology experiment of two days ago. I feel a little safer as Pathfinder is
again wearing her cut off overalls and has her Black and Decker strapped to her hip. I scraped up my courage and
asked her about the June Cleaver bit. Without even breaking stride with her book on the advanced surgical techniques
of brain surgery, she calmly replied "jungle fever". I know the Guinness and Scotch are all gone, but the way that
Gerry, McCall and Prof are acting drinking that lemonade has me to wondering. Pathfinder only answered that it was
"grandma's special lemonade". I need to research that. Pathfinder keeps an eye on Seeker, fingering her Black and
Decker as she watches over the top of the book. She said he's got her creeped out. She can't figure how he knew she
was of the clan Campbell.
Gerry has just come running into camp yelling about a hidden valley he found that had strange footprints in the dirt
and huge piles of fresh scat. McCall is watching the entrance while everyone prepares to move camp closer.
Pathfinder has disappeared into the forest. I'm going to follow her as she took some empty bottles with her.
11:29
I lost Pathfinder in the jungle but I am following the sound of her power tools. She is in a very small clearing. I
know why everyone has been in an alcohol haze and how the "lemonade" reanimated Seeker. Pathfinder was standing in
front of a still emptying visage breathe into the bottles. I guess it really is the water of life.
12:35
Everything is packed and we are heading into the jungle following Gerry's lead. I have severe misgivings about this.
Cisco - not letting go of my machete
Day 33
We are camping in a grove of palm trees, in the center of the hidden valley, which we entered earlier in the day. We
left behind Pathfinder's still and 1,435 empty cans of Guinness to mark our return trail.
At last the expedition seems to becoming an expedition. Everyone seems to have recovered from the orgy of jungle
pharmaceuticals and booze, and are back to normal, at least as normal as it's possible for cryptozoology members to
be. Gerry has changed his clothes and is now wearing khakis and jungle boots, as opposed to his sequined party
dresses and camouflaged thongs. Finbar is back to normal ferret size and Z.Z. is no longer staring at the sky. Even
McCall has quit drinking, at least for breakfast. And even Seeker, in his Fabio look-alike/zombie mode, is less
zombie-ish than usual. Brad is now with us, having appeared out of nowhere. Apparently he has been out here for as
long as we have, looking for Bigfoot on his own - to no avail. For some obscure reason he has decided to join us.
Ben is with him, riding a horse and wearing a cowboy hat, looking very much like a young Roy Rogers. How he got that
horse through the jungle is a mystery to me.
Strangely enough, the valley appears to be cultivated, with huge fields of manioc and sorghum surrounding our grove
of palm trees. Off in the distance are strange outcroppings of stone that appear too regular to be natural. The
valley is surrounded by sheer rock walls. No other humans are in sight. High overhead, winged creatures are soaring.
They appear to be immense, nearly as large as small planes. McCall says he has no idea what they are.
I am feeling better, but my hand is still on my machete. Imminence is in the air.
Cisco
Day 34
We've lost Prof00 while looking at the "Nut House" (Strange nuts found in here, so easily named "Nut House?). We're
guessing he was so excited to leave our original spot that he forgot to leave. Brad thinks he was lost near the bog
(Never go passed a place with Giant Anacondas with a nutty professor, I guess).
Ben's horse was lost too. Same place we lost Prof00 we heard loud horse cries, then silence. McCall drinking again,
but not as much as he did before we went out. Seeker 2 1/2 has the ability to talk again (Like we wanted THAT to
happen). Brad and Ben haven't really done much except talk of Sasquatch. Z.Z. still sings, but she can speak words
now too. Mooman just walking with us, chewing gum. And Gerry...wait...Where IS Gerry?! Oh no, he stuck in slow sand
(Like quick sand, except slow).
Getting sand on his leg,
Cisco
Day 35
Vindication! We've done it! The strange geometric outcropping turned out to be a city built by Bigfoots. The fields
of manioc and sorghum were planted by them, too. And we've found tons of Mapinguari, which are raised by the
Bigfoot?s for food. The huge winged creatures are teratorns, which the Bigfoot?s also keep as domesticated animals,
for the purpose of guarding the Mapinguari from the chupacabra which live in a cycad forest at the eastern edge of
the valley. And there is a lake at the western edge of the valley that is inhabited by plesiosaurs. We have taken
hundreds of photographs, with the kind permission of the Bigfoot?s, of all of these cryptids. The Bigfoot?s have
also going to allow us to take some physical evidence back with us, as well: a live chupacabra and a teratorn egg!
We are all celebrating. Everyone is alive and well, even Seeker, who has reverted back to his usual self. The beer
is flowing and the joint is jumping (we are celebrating in a tavern owned by one of the Bigfoot?s: The Lost Valley
Bar & Grill).
Life is good!
Cisco
________________________________________________________________________
Thanks to McCall (Starter), Seeker, Prof00, Gerry Bacon, Mooman, pathfinder,
Jello B. (Editor), and Cisco, for the off topic forum and letting us use him in our story. |
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